Sabbath

Two things I ask of You, O Lord;

Do not refuse me before I die:

Keep falsehood and lies far from me

Give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread

Otherwise, I may have too much and disown You,

And say, “Who is the Lord?”

Or I may become poor and steal,

 And so dishonor the name of my God.

-Proverbs 30:7-9

Sometimes, I like to think that God holds my squirmy, anxious heart down with His thumb as He tells me to relax.  This weekend seemed to be time for one of those moments.  As the past two weeks have been fully dedicated to project deadline and license exam, my mind was piling the list of my personal to-do’s.  I was quite the jitter-bug, but mentally prepared myself to go beast-mode once Thursday’s deadline was complete. 

With some bad-ass tracks as backdrop to my mental prep, I stared into an intense weekend of test 3 studies, catching up with various friends, getting back to a healthier eating schedule, getting back to running, planning my year’s trips, taking care of chores and bills, and attempting to roast my first brisket.

Beast-mode.

Friday mid-morning, I found myself snuggled in my bed, holding my pillow as I whispered, “I never want to leave you...ever.”  And leave, I didn’t.  I found myself back in the bed after lunch – until the evening, to the very next morning.  I wasn’t ill, but practiced one of my many talents as champion sleeper. I was doomed.

Discouraged, I surrendered my weekend to-do list Friday evening and dedicated the weekend to relax.  I had my friends and the opportunity to be present; not to mention the rare occasion of a sunny day.  One gorgeous day in Seattle is enough to make this Floridian forgive and forget.  Cold beer in hand and sun beaming down on my face, I sat back and took in the scenery.  Howdy-do, Mr. Sun - You are mighty wonderful today!

I wrote Proverbs 30:7-9 down in my notes several years ago and never thought about it again until this weekend.  This weekend, I sat on my “peak” to look back at the gorgeous landscape of my brokenness, growth, and the family and friends God has provided to me to lift my load from time to time. I found myself listing the blessings of this journey up to this point.

I live a life that is going exactly opposite what I planned.  Once in a while, I have my “freak out” moments where I calculate the years and the possibility of a family - that is a part of my brokenness.  As frustrating as it can be, I am joyful that I can live this life with the mindset that I am not influenced by a God who will grant me my wishes or make all things in the world “right”.  I walk humbly with a God who will not shade my eyes from the reality of a broken world, who wants to grow me in wisdom and compassion, who gives me just enough to get me through the day, who wants to walk alongside me.  God provided me communities from both ends of the country and all aspects of my life that pray for me and with me, laugh with me, struggle with me, do life with me.  God gave me peace and contentment in my heart that where I am where I should be.  I have enough.

I'm not shielded from future trials or valleys, but I can enter them with the knowledge that God loves me unconditionally for who I am and is always for me, whether I doubt Him or not.

I had a good weekend, and I actually ended up finishing 99% of my personal to-do list.  Brisket - next time. :)

.hymn.

God, thank you for Pandora.

Shane and Shane, Chopin accompany me through my study hours, while Foo Fighters and Red Hot Chili Peppers vocalize my angst and frustrations.  However, the real treat is the ability to whisk away into wonderment of “someday my prince will come…” as I pretend to be under the evil spells of my captors – working for the man.  

Weary from a day of learning, growing, practicing – working, I have to recompose myself and find the focus to absorb concepts and information for test 2, which is now 2 weeks away.  My eyes go cross at least once a day.  Working is an opportunity that I’ve grown to be thankful for, but can be overwhelming at times.  Nevertheless, my life lately is consumed with managing a work/study balance.

As the Old Rugged Cross by Bart Millard started to play on my study hour, I was reminded of the days as a young girl when I would tag along with my parents to their small group gatherings.  I looked forward to these days because I was going to see my friends/older brothers and sisters, and we were going to play.  I grew up an only child for a good 10 years and didn’t really grow up amongst immediate family members, so the church congregation was my family.

The image of my parents and friends sitting around in a circle, swaying back and forth while singing the old hymnals is forever ingrained as a memory that brings me solace.  I’m not sure why, but that is one of the pictures I will probably never forget.  My father seemed to find his comfort in the old hymnals, and they were ever present in my up-bringing. 

This day I’m grateful for a minute of this memory in the midst of my busy mind.

Prayer Practice

Little by little every day
Little by little in every way
Jesus is changing me...

Curious about a fellowship in town, I decided to visit one of the nights to check it out.  At the end of the night, the pastor asked for us to share prayer requests and then challenged us to pray for the other within the week and follow-up.  This is pretty routine for small groups, but for some reason my heart grew heavy on this night.  As I listened to each person’s prayer request, my heart grew heavy with the conviction of how much I’ve grown out of touch with the practice of prayer. 

By no means has my relationship with God disconnected, but the practice of prayer has dwindled significantly.  The busy-ness of life leaves me exhausted by the end of the day – definitely by the end of the week.  Waiting on the Lord wears down on a soul; my wishes, my plans are not coming true fast enough. My prayers have become mere day-dreaming or zoning out, easily distracted by the needs of the day.  I have so many thoughts in my head that I often find myself drawing a blank.

My youth pastor taught us how to structure our prayer: begin with thanks, confess your sins, prayer requests.  As I took one of my morning commutes as a time to “speak” with God, I decided that this was a good place to start.  Simplicity is what God asks for, and it sounds pretty nice in such a "loud" world.

I think maybe God is prodding me to start my intentional walk with Him, practicing my verbal prayers and carving out time for it.  I didn't really give anything up for Lent this year, but I guess practicing my prayer walk would be a good start.  With no expectancy in this conviction,  we’ll see where this takes me. 

He’s changing me, my precious Jesus
I’m not the same person that I used to be
Some times it’s slow going
but there’s a knowing
That one day perfect I will be.

.Character.

Never have I read as much as I have during my time in Seattle.  I must thank the Metro transportation system that chauffers me to work daily, alloting me time to immerse myself in a good book or "silence" of my thoughts.  These days, my choices are bound to architectural exam notes or Leviticus...and I don't think Numbers will be anymore exhilarating.  So, I reflect back to one of the readings I've been meaning to share.

One of the books I chose to engage in was the biography of Charles Schulz, Peanuts cartoonist.  My previous posts about character development while waitin on God reminded me of the part the author shared about Schulz's father, Carl.  His father was a barber, and his business evolved around a list of precepts that Schulz would later manifest in his own career. 

1. Maintain a good posture
2. Wear an easy cheerful countenance
3. Constantly practice friendliness
4. Speak distinctly
5. Don't be overly inclined to give advice
6. Don't be a didactic
7. Be a good listener.  A good listener asks leading questions
8. Be essentially informal
9. One's success in any avenue of life depends a great deal upon his selling ability
10. Don't take yourself too seriously.

Besides the fact that Lucy was the personification of his first wife and the surprising secret of the real Charlie Brown, these precepts were what I took away from this biography.  I reflect back to them from time to time and make it a point to practice a few on any given day. 

I am learning so much through my growth in this career, but the information is a bit of an overload.  I am challenged and stretched daily.  Mixing in a few of these goals seem to make the day a bit more manageable.

My hope is that you find encouragement and a challenge to practice, too. :)

Church

I’ve come to cherish my Saturday mornings.  My day begins waking up to a snooze-less morning,  brewing myself a hot cup of coffee, snuggling back into the sofa, and looking forward to a morning of TV.  Ah, yes Lord, this is how I choose to spend my morning Sabbath – I will catch up on chores after catchin up on "The Soup", "New Girl", "E! News", the "Kardashians" - I have until noon, maybe 1pm. Hope that’s all-right cuz I’ve been doing that for the past 7 years. 
 

Whitney Houston’s funeral service appeared as I clicked the remote.   I first knew of a diva showdown when I heard Prince of Egypt's, “There can be Miracles”.   My allegiance was to Mariah.  Nevertheless, I am a sucker for celebrity gossip and coverage, so the channel stayed on the service.  Little did I expect to be weeping into my coffee.   I said it once, but I gotta say it again – Black people know how to do CHURCH!                

I don’t remember the exact words, but I was reminded of the time a friend told me how they felt more blessed at funerals than they did at weddings.    It’s not a new concept that funerals bring to your very attention what you always knew: your time here is finite.  I guess we need the reminders once in a while.  So, I guess I considered Whitney’s service as my attendance at a funeral.

Reverend Donny McClurklan sang a song, “Stand”.  I felt the pain in his voice as he sang, “you pray, you cry, pray, cry…after you’ve done all you can do…you just stand; The Lord will pull you through”.   I may not deal with the fame and depression that may come with her life, but I connected with the lyrics.  It was nice to have a song embrace the reality and struggle that is our earthly life.  Whoo~ take me to church, Donny!

Tyler Perry remembered two constants through his encounters with Whitney: grace and her love for the Lord.  Kevin Costner remembered their common bond of church upbringing.  Bebe Winans remembered her craziness and giving heart.  All these wonderful qualities in a woman whom we come to know as the drug-abusing, spoiled celebrity poster-child for “Crack is Whack” – but MAN, could she sing.

Few thoughts ran through my head as each musical guest and celebrity paid their impressive respects and anecdotes of their time with her and how much of an impact she had on their lives. 

1.  As much as I do want to be remembered for my fame and beauty - soon, my friends…soon – I want God’s presence to be vividly remembered in my life.  I want to be remembered that I had a relationship with my Father in the midst of my tears, struggles, growths, and joys.  God was in my life the whole time.  I laughed and cried with Him.  I tried to understand life with Him.
2. Funerals remind me that I should say what it is that gets stirred up in my heart.  Whether it be a rebuke/praise, don’t hold it in.  Be truthful.  Let the pride go.  That counts for faith too, it’s never too late. 
3. Embrace the struggle.  Life is about pain and crying as well as the joys and fun.
4. "The mob is fickle" (Lucilla, Gladiator)  I worry all the time of what others think of me, but I am reminded of how fickle we can be as critics.  Dependency and validity through the eyes of others is not worth the effort.
5. Don't box yourself into what you know to be "church".  I don't know if Whitney is in heaven or not.  I don't know if Michael went, but they might have.  I have my own convictions, but I gotta say, I don't know.  I know we limit ourselves, and may dig ourselves a hole if we only depend on the "what it should look like"s of Christianity.

I know this contradicts #2, but I most likely won’t get all “Hallelujer” up at church.  My Korean Presbyterian background will keep me at the mild clapping and subtle hand raisin’ at best.  But I was pleasantly surprised and blessed to have had “church” witnessing this woman’s funeral service – convictions, re-evaluations, and all. 

.Clear Eyes, Full Hearts.

“People who grow in self-pity never grow strong in character.”

Father Fiction – Donald Miller

In my moment of reprieve from work/testing schedule, I decided to make this journal entry a little more upbeat.  I remember one of my commitments upon moving to Seattle was to integrate positive thoughts and mantras into my daily complaints and rants.  If you experienced my cheerful, “Today is a New Day” chants, you’ve witnessed my practice.  I most-likely hated that day.  

I have a personal journal I write in occasionally – mostly when I really need to speak with God.  I’m not a fan of public prayer.  I never was.  Writing is my outlet and means to clearly let myself and God know how I am feeling.  The majority of my personal journal reflects my wrestle with God and a healing from brokenness within the 4 years I’ve been in Seattle.  He’s my God, and I think it anyway – it’s ok to write it down.  God’s my homey.

I remember my decision to document this one particular moment of positivity in my life.  I have experienced many moments of happiness and joy in my time here, but I tend to celebrate with a great dinner (accompanied with my drink of choice, of course) and sharing the moment with my friends.  These memories get harder to dig up when I am living the daily life. 

Greenlake is one of God’s gifts in my life.  I’ve looped it many times, reciting my “Psalms” prayers with every run.  I particularly remember and recorded a run on a Tuesday afternoon.  Most projects I was involved in took me through design, but this was my first that I was able to carry through to construction.    This was new territory, and I was challenged to see this through somewhat without my hands being held.  In retrospect, I appreciate that I was put through this, and I am proud of the outcome.

I remember ending my run, looking back to the Space Needle in the distance, a foreground of calm water, and a backdrop of autumn leaves and sunset-painted sky.  God embraced me that day with natural beauty, and an extended moment of peace and contentment.  I experienced worship that only I will understand with my Father.  He grants me this moment, when 90% of the time I decide to curse His provision for my life because everyone else I know is moving ‘on track’ with their lives.  What a merciful God!  I am un-deserving.  I am blessed. 

It’s easy to get lost in the complaints of the day.  I’m glad I decided to include this entry into my personal rants.  I fell into mind frame of self-pity while studying for my exam.  I am not justifying my feelings, but simply state that it’s a feeling, and I felt it.  Bringing my Greenlake memory to my attention helps me to gain composure and understanding to persevere. 

Acknowledge your feelings, but also ground yourself in the moments of peace and joy.

Make it a point to document your moments. Coach Taylor would be proud of you. J

Every man at some point in his life is going to lose a battle. He is going to fight and he is going to lose. But what makes him a man is at the midst of that battle he does not lose himself. This game is not over, this battle is not over.  _Coach Eric Taylor, Friday Night Lights

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts.

.Study Jams.

I have not forgotten this blog, but do not have anything but contracts, insurance, and bonds in my head.
I am taking exam 1/7 for my architectural license on Monday, so please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.  I need focus and the brain to soak in this information, get it, and be a contractual GENIUS by Monday.

Perk to studying - exposure to great music

Love them :
Gungor - "Beautiful Things"

Looking forward to writing next week.

.ttfn.